Melissa

Do you ever feel like you have absolutely no place to go and that everything closes in around you and that you're never gonna deserve anyting better than the life you've chosen for yourself? And that you can't ever do anything right?

Yeah...me neither...

so, haha, last entry was a bit vague. And I've forgotten some of the people I was gonna hide my whole getting married thing to from for a little bit read this thing lmao. So I visited Kenny in North Carolina for a week, and when I was there he proposed to me. And its way too long and difficult to attempt to explain how in the world it makes sense for me to get married because 1. I'm too young some people think 2. the whole relationship thing with me and Kenny is just confusing to begin with since we weren't even really dating, we both always liked each other off and on but when he came back to visit in June, on the last night he was here before he went back home...I finally realized that everything I had been wanting was right in front of me the whole time. We had been joking for the past few months about how we were gonna get married and all this stuff. But..joking led to us seriously thinking about it I suppose, and I honestly don't see why everyone thinks you need to date someone for like 5 years before you marry them. My parents knew each other a total of 7 weeks before they got married. And they've been together for like 23 years now. Kenny's parents were the same age as us when they got married, and they're still together. My family and his family are fine with everything and extremely happy for us, all my friends are ecstatic, Kimber's gonna be my sister in law now lmao...but the crap thing is I'm gonna have to move to North Carolina for a year and a half, then after that the closest to getting back home I'll get is probably Fort Riley, Kansas..which sucks. But I'm not getting married til June 17th, 2006. And I'm getting married here in Bellevue or Omaha.
So...for anyone who was confused by my last entry....YES i'm engaged. I KNOW some of you aren't gonna approve or whatever, which is why I wasn't bringing it up, because..it just brings me down when people just talk negative about everything lol. I've known him for a year now. Its not like we met yesterday, or we just ran off and eloped.
......so yeah.....i'm excited lol.

I'm not in school.
and everyone else is.
and all I do now is work, and plan my wedding.
I all of a sudden, coming back from my trip to visit Kenny and reading everyones back to school journal entries, am feeling very fucking old.

So Andy called me tonight, drunk, seeing if I wanted to hang out.
and for once I wasn't there at his every beck and call.
...damn it feels good.
And it wasn't just because I was at Kimber's.
It's because I really don't have feelings for anyone besides Kenny now. I love it.
...and I posted a survey for people to fill out about me on myspace, expecting like..kimber and michael and becker to maybe fill it out lmao, but..yah COLIN did. my ex Colin, who broke my heart lol. I haven't said I loved someone in over a year because of his ass lmao. and the stuff he said was kinda sweet. "are we friends?: Yes, forever I think" or something. and "do you love me?: once a long time ago" if there was one thing you could do what would it be: offer you a million sorrys" or something. i seriously started to cry while reading it, and kimber can vouch for that hah. i don't think he really knows the effect he had on my life?
I'm listening to old cassette tapes I made when I was younger. and this one I made after Colin and I broke up and I started to sing a song that I was making it up a long the way (its kind of a talent of mine lol..except parts of it suck) and heres the lyrics that came:
"i believed you when you told me that you wanted only me
i don't understand why i believe any of you anymore
i've been hurt so many times before
but i keep going back for more
i don't what it is that keeps making me go out and get more hurt"
i don't know why i keep goin back for more
i keep runnin back runnin back for more
everytime that you push me away it just makes me wanna stay
all i want is to be with you
i don't what it is that i did to you
that makes you think that i deserve to be treated this way
i did absolutely everything that i could to try and make you stay
but in the end it didn't even matter
i did absolutely everything i could
all i wanted was you
you're all that i ever dreamed of
you were my love you were my heart
absolutely everything about you was absolutely everything i always wanted
why did i believe you when you said that you loved me
5 months later and i'm left with nothin
why did you say that you cared when you didn't
why did you act like i was your everything, too
why did you waste my life
why do you hurt me
why do you act jealous when i didn't do shit
you dumped me
i can do whatever the fuck i want"

my update
I'm in love
and getting married.
maybe.
lmao
don't you wish you were me?

don't listen to me anymore when I try to update my lovelife on this stupid thing lmao. I can't write that often. My love life is too...crazy for me to even fathom or begin to attempt to put into words in here lol. I'm single. there, update done. I don't think I even updated to say I dated Brent for a week...yah long stories. I don't hate Andy anymore, and he doesn't hate me which makes my day. ....i don't make sense.

Everything changes so quickly in my life.
Fuck Andy, he's pretty much a big mistake lol. Thank god we didn't do anything really haha.
OH and I already like a new guy, as bad as that may sound..things end up happening, he was there comforting me at the party after Andy fucked with that other girl. We just get along really well..and this is what he said to Becker about me:
Becker: just promise me one thing...
Brent: yes
Becker: promise me you wont hurt her. dont be like every other guy. prove to me and melly that there are still descent guys in the world. even if youre not all perfect
Brent: well, ill guarantee to treat her about a 1000 times better than any other guy who has went out with her
Becker: okay good.
Becker: and expect to meet me soon. because just because youve passed this test doesnt mean you'll pass the other ones.
Brent: alright
Brent: any test you need me to take i will go with
Brent: im willing to take the tests haha
--------
see. how cute is he.
and his away message right now is about me!
Brent's away message: going to bed, but must think of a special thing to do tomorrow for a very special person......hmmmmmm

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)
---------------

and his PROFILE is about me too! yaaay. He thinks I'm beautiful lol
Brent's profile:
A beautiful girl can make you dizzy,
like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning,
she can make you feel high,
full of the single most commodity known to man,
promise,
promise of a better day,
promise of a greater hope,
promise of a new tomorrow,
this particular awe can be found in the gate of a beautiful girl,
in her smile, and in her soul,
and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like its
gonna be ok.

/\ so is it possible to find? we'll find out
--------------
we're going out tomorrow! and he's got something planned I'm so freakin excited!
And now I'm going to bed.

I feel like I'm losing everything.
My happiness is always momentary.
I feel like my best friends are being whisked away, because I'm stupid and decided to chase after a boy who probably isn't even worth my time.
I just feel like everythings falling apart around me and I don't know who to go to anymore.

i'm fucking drunk right now but fuck andy...ASSHOLE

I'm basically gonna repeat one of the entries I wrote last night.
Dagnabit WHY HASN'T HE CALLED YET lmao. He called right after I got out of the shower earlier, as I told you, and he said he'd call probably around 7 so we could hang out before we went to the party and everything. And he didn't call so at like 830, I called him to see if he was still going to the party and he said yah, and he said people weren't heading over there yet, but he'd call me when they were or something. And now its like 10 o clock. I suck at life. I'm about to call Dani and see if she wants to hang out with me beforehand cause I'm tired of waiting...just called Dani she's at a movie, that will be out at like midnight. damn. so i pretty much suck at life. No. Andy sucks at life. Heres another thing that reminds me of Brian, Brian sucked at calling too lol. DAMNET ANDY CALL ME NOW.

OK so I went and bought a sexy party outfit for tonight lol. Not that I gotta impress anybody, I've already got Andy..I think lol. I just like to impress him lol. He called me at like 445, and he's going to the gym, and he said he'd call me when he was ready to hang out or something, aeound like 7 or something. Oh but on my way back from buying hot outfit, I was about to get me some Imperial Palace Sweet and Sour Chicken...but then was like no cause I'm not that hungry, and my dad said he's gonna have some food ready around like 7. And since Andy never calls when he says he will lol, its always like a half hour later or whatever. lol. But, um, I better get some food in me, cause as I do recall, last time, and the only time, I got super drunk and puked was when I was drinking on an empty stomach.
Oh and when I'm depressed I normally don't eat so I hadn't been eaten for a couple days really, maybe little bites but I couldn't finish anything. So, I'm guessing I've lost some weight, cause these pants I bought...size 3. wtf. I was a size 5 before! woot I guess lol. Depression is the best diet. lmao I'm completely just kidding.

I love how quickly my life can change around. Ok, so, Andy finally called me and apologized a lot for not calling me right away and all of this, so I got directions and I was on my way...as I was going I freaking got a call from STEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freakin STEVEN!!!!!!!!!! Anybody remember Steven? Becker, you remember Steven. anywho, so we talked for a while, that was pretty tight. Then I went to this party at Andy's friends house and we got there and he told me that he is completely done with Chelsie. I was like....
:-O
lmao I was a pretty happy girl. And he kept saying such sweet things all night. Like when I said something like Dani is my everything lmao, Andy was like well I guess that makes her my everything too since you're my everything lol. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Could it be that I'm happy with someone?
He's going to call me tomorrow he said, or I guess later today. I like him so much.

Ok..so I called Andy when I got off work, and everything, and he said the party would be within a half hour to an hour and he would call me and give me directions to said party....945ish came around and there was no call so I was like f this, its been 2 hours. So I called him and some girl answered, it was one of his friends that I've met before. And she said he was moving someones car and she would have him call me back and I was like ok. So he called and started to tell me directions, starting off with do you know where Bryan High School is..and I don't know where ANYTHING is so I said no. So then he was like damn um...can I call you back when I get directions? And I said yah, that's fine. Its now 10:25..we had that conversation at 9:42. Gay. He was the one who called me at like 3 something in the morning cause he had no one else to talk to, and then asked me what I was doing and to see if I wanted to hang out with him. This kid is sending me the most insane mixed signals. And he's probably gonna end up calling me at like 2 something crying cause he got in another fight with his ex. I HATE MYSELF. Why am I doing this? Why do I as always cater to someones every need who doesn't want to do ANYTHING for me?

Why can't I ever be the girl a guy is absolutely crazy about? Why do I always seem to momentarilly attract those guys who are insane over an ex of theirs? Do they just flock to me then realize I couldn't ever be someone they cared for? I for once want a guy who isn't tainted. I've dealt with shit from guys too, do you see me obsessing over them??? Maybe for a small amount of time, but I try my hardest not to let it affect the relationships in the future.
If I could just have someone love me the way that Mike loved Brittni, the way Matt loved Loni, the way Andy loves Chelsie...but unfortunately, I'm just meant to be a toy. Toss me around, like I have no heart, no feelings. Nothing of substance. Just another dumb blonde, for a little fun. But not worth spending your money or even your time on. I'm always there for you, because I have this great trait of caring about people so much, that I would do absolutely anything for a friend. Even if they end up doing nothing for me. Nothing but chipping off another piece of my heart.
What about me is so forgettable? What about me is so horrible?
Am I purposely deterring myself from going to another relationship by finding guys who I have no chance with, because I'm scared of completley giving my heart away, yet again, only to have it ripped apart, yet again.
I try to be so understanding, I really do. But somethings I just can't comprehend.
I know I'm only 18. But, I don't care. Its happened too many times.
Maybe I'm so into Andy, because he reminds me so much of Brian. Gawd, I hate myself. I am not over Brian. I will never BE over Brian. And I understand that. I understand that and I go on. Why can't these guys ever realize that? You never get over your first love.
Anyways, I have to go get ready to go out to a party with Andy...yah, despite all of this, I can't keep myself out of these situations. I knew ahead of time he was still in love with his ex. But, did it stop me? No. of course not. As always, I blame myself.

Why..do I end up truly liking a guy who doesn't know what he wants? And why am I such a great person? Andy called me tonight when I was leaving Tara's with Michael, and we talked for a little bit, but it was hard to talk on the phone cause Michael kept talking so Andy just hung up cause he couldn't get a word in, so I called him back and he said he was gonna try to sleep and he'd call me if he couldn't sleep and I told him that was fine, cause I'd probably be up..or something. And then I got a call from Andy at 3:22 am, and he just said how he couldn't sleep, he is just so upset still and all of this stuff, and he was like I'm sorry that I call you up to bitch about this stuff and I said its all right thats what I'm here for. And then he was just talking about how he wishes he could move on so bad, and he's pretty sure I would treat him better than any of his other girlfriends have. And I was like "i'm not forcing you into anything. I don't want you to go into something you don't want wholeheartedly. I truly do appreciate that you're thinking ahead like that, instead of being like many other guys who have just gone out with me, and not thought about how they might hurt me soon." And he was like I really do like you. And I was like I know. And then we just sat there in silence, and he was like I'm sorry I'm not talking, its just better to be on the phone then off it. I was just like its fine. Then he asked what I'm doing tomorrow. And I said nothing besides work. And so, he told me to give him a call when I get off work. And he attempted to go back to bed, and he asked if he can't sleep if its ok that he calls again, and I said sure. anytime. Why am I falling for this guy already? Why am I being such a good friend to a guy I met just a couple weeks ago...maybe its because of how much he reminds me of Brian? Maybe its just because he's so genuine..he's so straight-out honest with me. He doesn't say what I want to hear, because I want to hear it. But...I'm gonna continue to not be able to sleep....

As always I put myself in the situation of wanting to be with a guy who's interested in me, but more interested in his ex. Andy. yes. Man, I knew from the beginning that he was still very into his ex but he's trying to get over her and everything, and apparently I'm who's supposed to help him get over her lol. So. yay. But, Tuesday night I went to hang out with Andy and we weren't out long before we decided we should just go over to his house to watch a movie or something for a bit, then his mom called and started saying how he had to come home and not bring a visitor and whatnot. So, he got pissed, but that didn't stop us, cause he just decided he would sneak me in lol. So, I got snuck in through the window lol. That window was NOT easy to get into I'm telling you. I have a bruise on my stomach and on both arms near my elbows from trying to crawl in lmaoooo. But, yah, so I got in finally, with much help from Andy. So, then, we ended up laying there, talking for a while, and then he said "Would it be out of the question if I kissed you?" lalalal. so he kissed me, and yah it was all wonderful. Then, all of a sudden we hear pebbles being thrown at his window and he was like "fuck, its my ex" and I was like oh of course, my luck, I hate me. and he goes to the window and shes upset about something and shes like you weren't answering your phone or something. So, he calls her and they talk for a while, and as hes talking to her about how much he still loves her and will always be there for her and asking if she wants to give him a second chance, he's holding me in his arms, and running his hand through my hair. What a dramatic life I always seem to fall into. So I end up just lying there, with quiet tears running down my face. And when he gets off the phone he apologizes and he says it doesn't matter she's never going to take him back. And I was like, what if we did end up dating, and then all of a sudden she wants you back, what would happen then? and he was like he's not gonna lie he still has insanely strong feelings for her, which is why he's just starting to hang out with me and everything. blah. So, yah, thats life. I ended up just staying the night there with him, and waking up when his mom walked into the room and said "what is this????" she wasn't very happy to see me there, but I acted asleep. Right, like that worked. So then I went to my house around 11ish, my mom wasn't very happy with me either. My dad took me to get a new license, which I love. Then, I went to work, and after work, came home, then went to Applebees with my family, where my mom still didn't really talk to me, she just freakin talked about how "why didn't you bring todd or jimmy, Sara." I was like um...isn't this MY birthday dinner?? Why wasn't I allowed to ask anyone?...ugh gayness. So, yah then after dinner, I came home, and didn't do anything, I was in a bad mood. Andy did call me last night though around like 730, asking if I had called him lol. But I hadn't. Anywho, I did absolutely nothing else on my birthday, so I'm gonna go.

Tomorrow I turn 18!!!! Yes! And I just started to like a new guy. Gawd, I move on quickly. heh. This guy, Andy, is also from myspace, does that make me a loser? lol. too bad, I don't care. So, when he requested me as a friend a while ago, I added him and he commented and was like "if you ever need to find a party here's my number!" and I was like tight, so I put his number in my phone, and then a few days later called to find a party, but that whole thing fell through. So then on Sunday, he called me and was like hey wanna go to a party for real this time! lol. So I met him then..and thought he was really good looking, and he had an awesome personality. He was adorable. lol. So, then he had to bring someone home, and I asked if he was coming back and he said if I could drive then he would, so I was like tight. So, he called at one point and said he needed to sneak out of his house when his parents were asleep so it'd take a while, then he didn't call back and I was like...boo. that sucks lol. I went and partied with other people, but the next day I looked at my phone and he had called me at like 8 something in the morning and left a message apologizing for not calling back cause hes a loser and he passed out cause he was pretty tipsy lmao. So then later, I called him, cause I also missed a call from him while I was at work. He asked what I was doing and I said nothing. Then he told us to come to this park where a bunch of people were, so we did that. And then a few of us went to Burger King. Then Andy left to bring people home and called me and said we could hang out after, so we followed him to his house later so we'd know how to get there if he was able to sneak out the window. But he ended up not being able to I guess, I came home at like 130 cause I was tired, cause the night before I had stayed out til 530 am-ish. Then, Andy called at like 2 or something and apologized and everything, but we ended up talking on the phone til like...5 am. Apparently we are both into each other, but he's just in a weird place of his life right now. But, when we got off the phone, he told me to call when I got off work, so I got off at like 7 and called him at like 725...and he didn't answer. :( i left a message, hopefully he gets it soon. le sigh.
4 hours and 6 minutes til i turn 18

I have the world's most amazing friends. For a year or so there, I never really knew what it was like to have good friends...a best friend. My best friend was a girl from West who never talked to me. But now I have Becker and Michael. They are the best friends a girl could ask for. I feel like I can tell them anything, and we have fun no matter where we go and what we do. We are all a bunch of camera whores. And Becker said she's planning on doing something for my birthday. That made me so happy. I haven't had anything really happen for my birthday in forever. Last year I guess Tara drove me around with Ashley and Shona but they were fighting, which made it less enjoyable. And we just like bought a cake from Albertson's and rented some rated R movie that I didn't even really wanna see and went to my house to watch it. And practically no one called to tell me happy birthday. It just was kind of a downer birthday. The year before that I had to work like 8 hours on my birthday at McDonalds.
I shall finish this later, I'm going to Becker's for waffles.

footballtbrd: hey
AtTiTuDeGrLy: hey so whats this stuff you gotta tell me lol
footballtbrd: ok. so i have a lot of time at work to just think to myself. and i wanted to say sorry. cause i realized that because i was being an idiot and was still chasing after loni i ended up hurting you and i gave a great thing. so i just wanted to say i'm sorry. i'm not asking for a second chance cause 1)i dont deserve it and 2) i might be getting together with someone else anyways but i dont know yet lol. but yah. thats what i wanted to say
-------------
So, yah, minus point 2 that was some good sentiment.
PS. thats Matt, whom I went to prom with.

Ok, so today is my last day at Bakers. My shift is from 230-530. Then thats it. Wow. hah. Its just weird cause I've worked their since September 2003. And its now May 2005. Long time. Oh wells. All the awesome people don't work there anymore anyways. I'm kind of upset with this whole "boyfriend" deal...already. I hate myself. Chris is just...I don't know. I think he might just want to use me, like every other guy I've dated within the past year. I can't help thinking thats all guys want. But, Chris and I haven't really done much, besides kiss, he's done some stuff to me, but I never have done stuff to him really...and we've only hung out a few times, and mostly we just went over to his dorm and watched movies or tv. Today I was just chilling in my room then I get a text message from Chris saying "Tease" thats all it said. And so I said "Why do you say that?" and no response. It just makes me feel bad. I always feel like I have to do stuff to the guy...I feel like its whats expected of me, and I'm just recently realizing its not. If I don't want to have sex, then I don't have to. But, now I'm feeling guilty for not doing stuff with him. When that isn't right. I'm so irritated. I want to have a day soon where I just get a complete makeover. Go get my nails done, my eyebrows, new hair style, I still need to start tanning again, have someplace do my makeup, buy a new outfit. And I'm getting a tattoo...I want to get two. A little 4 leaf clover, and a little heart. Not like little, but not huge lol I dunno. Anyways..I'm gonna finish getting ready for my LAST DAY AT BAKERS